I study tarot. Tarot is an ancient divination tool which still has immense significance in modern times. In tarot there is a card known as ‘The Tower’. The card speaks of circumstances that bring about immense changes and shifts. They blindside you so, you don’t see them coming. They shake your life up and, after all is said and done, you’re left trying to pick up the pieces. I’ve been experiencing tower moments for the past couple of months. Drastic shifts in my life course and events have caused true devastation. At times I have wanted to give up and throw in the towel. During these low points it has felt as if I lacked the strength to cope or keep going. At other times, like this very moment, I experience intense feelings of bliss. I get the feeling that everything will be okay and that each of life’s difficulties serves a greater purpose. The resilience I have developed in response to hardships is something I can’t imagine I would have had if life has been eternal sunshine and rainbows. As I write this i’m laying in bed, watching a movie with candles flickering in the background. There’s a new feeling of hope and warmth in my belly. This is something I haven’t experienced in a long while. I’m excited to see where this feeling takes me and how long it will last. I’ll keep you posted.
People always tell you that you should ‘love yourself first’. If you don’t love yourself then how can anybody else love you? Sure, sometimes love is a crutch and we use it to fill a void that exists within us. We search for others who can love us in a way that we are unable to love ourselves. However, sometimes we crave love because we seek companionship. People talk about using love to fill a void but, not enough people talk about the natural human desire for connection. As a 25 year old I’ve only been in one major relationship (if we could even call it that). I’ve had friendships over the years but, the majority of them have had an inconsistent undercurrent to them. For this reason, when people tell me to love myself first I feel the need to respond defensively. Tell me that love isn’t on the cards for me right now but, please don’t tell me to love myself and enjoy my own company. I’ve been enjoying my own company for as long as I can remember. I don’t think wanting to feel connected & as if I belong is so unreasonable. I look around at others and the relationships they engage in. I can’t help but feel a little despondent. As someone with a big heart and a lot to give, I often feel as if i’m too much for myself. Too much emotion, passion and care for one body. My soul spills out and it’s as if I need another vessel to pour it into. I don’t think i’m using others as a crutch or that i’m depending on others for my peace of mind. I think that over the years i’ve become tired and drained from feelings of isolation and unworthiness. I’m deserving of the love and companionship that everybody else experiences so, why am I not receiving these?
Saying no has always been a struggle for me. I find it difficult to reject my destructive thoughts or ignore them. In fact, for the better part of my life I accommodated them, allowing to trample all over my already poor self esteem. Recently however, I’ve decided that this simply doesn’t work for me. I’ve been using guided meditations to practice identifying my thoughts without giving them power. I no longer react to them. Instead, I let my thoughts flow through my mind, observing them as if they are guests who will soon depart. I take back control of my mind and body by giving my destructive thoughts ‘permission’ to pass by. This helps shift my perspective. In the past I had dramatic reactions and responses to my thoughts. Now I choose to believe that, like all things, my dark thoughts will pass. This shift in perspective allows me to feel less powerless and more in charge.
Comment below if you want some guided meditation recommendations!
This is my first blog post and, I have little to no idea what I’m doing. I’m a 24 year old living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), dabbling in spiritual practices and trying to make sense of the world around me. For those of you that don’t know what BPD is or what it entails, it’s a disorder which warps your sense of self and creates intense feelings of isolation. These intense feelings of isolation are often accompanied by impulsive, self-destructive urges which, if left unchecked can lead to a downward spiral. Hence why I started experimenting with spiritual tools.
By the age of 22 I knew I had to find some sort of healthy coping mechanism if I was ever going to stand a chance at living past the age of 30. 30 may sound young but, at the age of 22, even staying alive until the age of 25 seemed ambitious. Day in, day out I was plagued with feelings of self-loathing and loneliness. There always seemed to be this looming feeling of impending doom. My social life was non-existent and I never really had anybody to turn to. I wasn’t like most people I knew. I didn’t go out on the weekends and, unless I was working or studying, I pretty much remained indoors. Most of my time was spent in bed overthinking. This would eventually lead to feelings of self destruction. I was self-medicating and trying to distract myself from my unhealthy thoughts more often than not. I felt trapped and isolated. More importantly, I felt unlovable. I thought that there must have been a reason why romantic relationships and friendships never seemed to work for me even though they worked for others.
I can’t pinpoint what the pivotal moment was but, at some point I grew tired of the coping mechanisms I had been turning to. They were destroying my physical health and causing my mental health to deteriorate further. At the very least, I knew that I had to stop drinking and taking drugs. I was aware that I was in a fortunate position as I hadn’t yet developed a physical dependence. My dependence was psychological and, it was something I was able to work my way out of once I realised that I was no longer benefiting from it. I started to research ways of improving my life and I stumbled upon spiritual techniques. I read blog posts from people who talked about the healing qualities of crystals and meditation.
I feel that there are so many things that I’d like to get into but, it’s too much for this one introductory post. Further down the line I’d really like to tell my readers all about the improvements I started to see when I started incorporating spiritual practices and, I’d also like to detail my day to day highs and lows. As far as I believe I have come, I know I still have a way to go. I still experience relapses and I slip back into old thinking patterns and habits. My hope is that with this blog I can connect with people who have had similar experiences and that we can create a community where we share our healthiest coping mechanisms.
[This post was free-form/improvised. Apologies if it doesn’t read as fluently as you’d like.]